In this post, our education consultant Andrea Glovsky, talks about ‘Squirrels and Elephants’ basically answering the important question; “How do I guide my child along the ‘right’ path, without too much confrontation?” Andrea explains that ‘winning’ battles is about choosing your battles; Elephants are topics/battles worth fighting over (drugs for example) whilst squirrels and topics/battles not worth fighting over (an untidy room for example.)
SQUIRRELS AND ELEPHANTS
Dirty room, long messy hair, black clothes, piercings, pants drooping below the hips – these are all ways adolescents use to express their individuality, or gain acceptance by their peers.
How many times does a parent say, “You can’t go out looking like that.” or “Clean up that mess or you’ re grounded!” Teens live in their own world of today – here and now. The teens I help with finding colleges, cannot think beyond what they want at the present moment. They cannot project two years down the road. Parents, on the other hand, consider their needs, wants, history of yesterday, today, and tomorrow; a clear recipe for a clash. An old friend and adolescent psychologist Jim Garvin used to remind me that if we push too hard on what the students wear, they may turn and express their individuality in a manner that is far worse than clothes. The study of the adolescent brain has gone on since the early last century. There are no real answers as to why teens are who they are and do what they do. Some say it is just the developing and changing synapses, others blame it on hormones. It doesn’t matter what causes the adolescent brain to respond and act the way it does, rather it is the roller coaster ride of emotions and thoughts that matters.
What can you do to stay off the roller coaster? How can you guide your children along the ‘right’ path? It is important to assess your goals and priorities.
Make a list of the big things that matter to you and identify the things you need and want to stand tough on, for example:
Engaging in acts involving sex, drugs, and alcohol.
School achievement, the quality of their work, and the value of education,
Safety around cars, friends, computers, texting, and social networking
Respect for others; peers, teachers, adults and parents
These are the elephants. They are things that are worth significant consequences. All require goal setting, expectations, and definitive rules. These represent family values worth fighting for. As you work to establish the important values with your teen, discuss what makes sense as reasonable consequences. Teens like to have input into what might happen when they trip up.
Then there are the squirrels. It is an unusually cool wet day and your son has walked out the door in a tee shirt and shorts. You ask him to take a jacket or something for the weather. He grumps and walks out the door. Let him go. The consequence is his own; he is cold and wet, not that serious. If she pierces her nose and it gets infected, the consequence is ugly to look at, it is uncomfortable, and she realizes it was a foolish thing to do. If he forgets his cleats, he doesn’t play. If she doesn’t pick up her room and her favorite jeans are at the bottom of the mile high clothes pile, she doesn’t have them to wear to her important party. Remember hair grows, rooms eventually get clean (they either can’t stand it or they can’t find something they really need), kids do cover up when they are actually cold or wet, and fads always change. The small daily battles are not worth the breakdown in communications. When they rant and rave about the little things, leave the room and find something else to distract you. Do not engage in their little issues – the squirrels. Let them go. Save your strength and power for the elephants. There is an old cliché which must have come from parents of adolescents “choose your battles”.
There are hundreds of books on parenting teens. Communication is a central theme of many. This is a good one:
‘Why Do They Act That Way? A Survival Guide to Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen.’ Dr. David Walsh, a terrific approach to understanding the mood swings, behavior, attitudes that make up the roller coaster ride of teens.
Do not hesitate to ask me specific questions regarding adolescents; questions about learning, motivation, ADHD, the college process, and behavior are just a few examples. I can also answer questions about applying to colleges and prep schools, adolescent behavior and most issues on teens. Email: amg@findingcolleges.com
ASK ANDREA
Andrea Glovsky of AMG Educational Consultants is a nationally known speaker on college and prep school placement, adolescents, and educational issues. She counsels families both in the US and internationally on applying to colleges and independent schools. She also conducts seminars on topics such as adolescent motivation, homework, and the financial aid process. An educator for over 35 years, she taught in both public and private schools.
Feel free to email questions to Ask Andrea at amglovsky@comcast.net and please visit: www.findingcolleges.com.
To read, Andrea’s previous education article, click on the link below:
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